so here is how i am feeling -
guilty about feeling relieved
i never know what i want.
so i guess because of that it is better that i am alone.
it has been a weird summer.
why do my feelings towards everything in my life change on a daily basis?!!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
you know, i really hate whoever it is that lives above and next door to my dorm.
i've broken out of my shreveport bubble pretty much and hang out with a bunch of really cool girls, although 2 of them are in the national student exchange so i won't see them after this semester :( but i've been looking into the nse and possibly going somewhere new for a semester. i kind of just realized that this is THE time for me to see the world etc. before i (hopefully) get into med school and have my life consumed by that. i've also been told that i should study abroad for at least one semester, so maybe that will happen eventually too.
i finally found tennis courts that i can use for free...how did i not know there were courts owned by UNO???? russell and i went out there today and had a lot of fun, and i'm applying to work there. THE 6TH PLACE I HAVE APPLIED TO OKAY................ug
russell will probably be working in austin, jason will probably be working in seattle, wesley will be in virginia, and mal will be in tennessee prob. just me and brizz...we should go to the beach/seattle/austin yeh?
saw the knux and lupe fiasco last night with whitney....we got the LAST.2.TICKETS. IT WAS AWESOMEEEEEEEE
we stupidly walked in with drinks, but the girls that searched our bags gave them back so we could go chug them outside. like high school all over again...ah
i'm taking on a women's studies minor now. coolest profs ever. it will probably never have any use for me career-wise, but the classes are really cool so oh well.
russell and i will have been together 2 years in july. crazy! my friend whitney has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and they have just recently gotten engaged...also crazy. she's 20, though, and they aren't actively planning a wedding. i don't even consider that with russell just because i like to be more "in the moment" about it all, but i can't imagine what life would be like without him. kate has really made me realize that there are people that are just meant to be in your life momentarily......idk where i am going with this.
i am whooping school's ass right now, due to the fact that i spend more time with my bio & math books more than i do with any human being but that's how it goes now. things are pretty much gr8, aside from the fact that i have no money EVER and feel very stifled by my wardrobe. and i miss a lot of people. always missing people.
yaawwwwnnnnnnnn this makes me feel so boring
also, i had a dream that mal died but came back to life or some shit, and she, her mom, and i went bike riding around my old house on akard. part of it involved being in a modified form of my garage at home - i was about to walk into a room in the garage because i heard someone moving around in there, but wesley texted me and woke me up right when i was about to find out who was in there. weird.
also also i was thinking about this today...i haven't seen my dad in 3 years, and i haven't spoken to him since the night of my birthday when he texted me while i was drunk at a bar uptown. i think i told him to fuck off. now it's not so much of what he's done to me, but the effect it is having/going to have on my little brother. nick never vocalizes any of his thoughts on our dad & what happened, but how could he not think about it? idkkkkk
wesley: mom, can i have a cigarette?
alex: yes baby.
had a dream that i met oprah.....alex texted me and interrupted it. boo.
the weather in new orleans has been great the past few days.
recent dreams i have had:
-i was on an airplane with my nana. the plane made too sharp of a turn on the runway and just started rolling over. everyone was fine.
-wesley and i were on a balcony at the beach on like the millionth floor. the moon was extremely close to us. all of a sudden a meteor or some shit hit the moon and the moon caught on fire and exploded. the next day everything was pitch black, but wesley and i decided to go out to the beach anyway while russell watched cartoons inside.
-my mom told me that my dad died, but the funeral had already happened. i freaked out and asked why she didn't tell me sooner and asked about who went to the funeral. she told me that no one went because no one likes him and he is a piece of shit. i tried to find out where he was buried but she wouldn't tell me where, other than that it was in south la.
well, i just love college. yay
i cannot express how sad i am at this moment. i never thought it was going to be so hard to leave shreveport, but it is. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN MOVED YET!
:( :( :( :(
"Love you, fuck you, bye." -Russell